Life After Japan: A few updates.

It's been just over a months since I flew back from Japan, and it's hard to believe that I have been through such a huge transition in the last few months. If anyone had told me six months ago that I'd be getting a divorce and living on my own in Chattanooga, I never would have believed them. Because so many of you have asked, I decided to write a blog post with a general update about how the girls and I are doing. Despite everything, the three of us are doing really well. We occasionally have our rough days, but by and large, we are happy and healthy.

Chattanooga is finally home.

I went to school in Chattanooga for my bachelors degree. It's where I met all of my closest friends, and really started figuring out who I am. I have so many fond memories here, and have always dreamed of moving back. When I started trying to plan life on my own, I knew that Chattanooga was where I wanted to have a new start. It's only 1-2 hours from all my family, so we're closer than ever, and I still have a lot of friends in the area. Coming back to Chattanooga feels like coming back home.

Our House

I'm renting a lovely little two-bedroom house in one of the best neighborhoods in the city, and our neighbors are wonderful. One brought over a Halloween goody-bag for my girls, and another already gave me a ride to a friend's place when I locked myself out of my house (yes, it only took me 2 weeks). It's not a huge house, but it's perfect for myself and the girls. We've been doing our best to make it comfy and cozy, and the girls seem to have settled in nicely. We spent this past weekend setting up a real Christmas tree (our first real one in a couple of years) and it was picturesque with the gas fireplace going and Christmas movie on the tv. The biggest draw to this house was the school, which is only about half a block away, and is one of the best magnet schools in the state of TN. Who knows where we'll be a year from now when our lease is up, but it's been the perfect house in which to start a new chapter.

The School

The school was the biggest selling point for our new house and neighborhood. My girls are attending Normal Park Museum Magnet, and it is arguably the best school in Chattanooga. Miraculously, their PreK program had an unexpected spot opening in late October, so both of my girls were able to be enrolled there. I'm so glad that they get to go to school together, and it certainly makes my mornings a lot easier. I was a bit worried about how they'd transition into public school after being homeschooled, but they have jumped right in and have integrated into their classrooms effortlessly. Both of their teachers say they have been wonderful additions to their classrooms, and both girls are performing at the appropriate academic level. We've even had playdates and birthday parties with new friends from school, just in the last week, and I couldn't ask for my girls to be doing any better.

From SAHM to Working Woman

As if all the other changes weren't big enough, moving out on my own has also meant that I have to join the working world. It's terrifying to strike out on your own, especially when you haven't worked in a paid position in almost seven years. I'd heard about how difficult it was to make the transition from a stay-at-home-mom to working-mom, but now I found myself facing the same seemingly enormous problem: What do you put on a resume when your work for the past few years has included homeschooling and childcare? I tried to jazz up my resume as best I could and apparently, it worked. Within three weeks of moving here, I had two interviews with Youth Villages, and was offered a job just before Thanksgiving.

I'm headed up to Knoxville today to attend orientation and I'm going to be working as a Transitional Living Specialist. I'll be helping youth ages 17-22 who are aging out of foster care, or transitioning out of juvenile detention. My job is to help them develop housing, job, and educational plans so that they can begin adulthood with some stability in their lives. I'll have a case-load of about 8-10 young adults, and will be working with them for 9 months to a year. The job is salaried, and has great benefits, so I'm very grateful to have found a place there.

It's definitely been difficult to transition to work so quickly, because for so long, I was a professional mother. If I wasn't going to be working outside the home, I was going to do a damn good job working within it. I no longer have time to cook like I did and I don't have any time for all the cute little Christmas crafts I was always pinning on Pinterest. My kids' school projects aren't as fancy as the ones that you know were not done solely by the kids themselves... and I just have to make my peace with it. It's a new normal, and we're all slowly settling in.

The Kids and the Divorce

So how are my kids really doing? Honestly, I think they're doing about as well as they could be, given all the change that has taken place in their lives. They miss their Daddy, but seem to handle it well, and only cry about it if they are really tired and it's late at night. They like talking to him on FaceTime, and often draw him pictures that they want to save to give to him when he comes to visit for Christmas. He's going to be able to go to the big "Exhibit Night" at the girls' school where they have the chance to show off all the things they've learned and made at school, and I'm glad he'll be able to see all of that. They're counting down the days on the calendar until his flight into the States, and they are excited about spending Christmas with him and his family.

The divorce doesn't seem to be hampering their ability to function at school, make new friends, and spend most of their days laughing and playing, and I'm so thankful for that. Thank goodness for FaceTime and the ability to make phone calls from overseas. I think it's been helpful to the girls to talk to their dad so often - almost daily at times - so that they feel like they're keeping him "in the know" with everything going on in their lives. When they do get upset about the divorce, or ask questions about it, we sit right down and talk about it. I try to let them voice whatever feelings they have and usually, that's all they really need and they're off playing again in a few minutes.

I'm thankful that they are as young as they are because I think they are much more willing to go with the flow. They have done well with all the transitions and I haven't noticed any behavioral or emotional changes in them. That's not to say that I don't expect it to always be so easy... but I'm glad that they seem to be doing well. I was very worried about how they would deal with all of this, so it's a relief to see them continuing to be happy and healthy. Oh, I also asked the school psychologist to check in with them periodically, and I feel confident that I'll hear from her and/or their teachers if there are any concerns.

What About Me?

For the most part, I have good days. Occasionally, I have bad moments, but rarely does it turn into a truly bad day. My family and friends have offered amazing support, and I know that I did the right thing for myself and my kids. However, it doesn't mean that I don't hate that pain that I've put people through. If I could have taken care of myself, while also protecting everyone else from feeling any pain, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But, sometimes, there isn't another choice.

So, here I am, plowing through and doing what I need to in order to get us settled into this new life. I appreciate all of you who have sent me supportive notes and comments, and I hope that I can offer the same kind of support to those around me who may also find themselves in a difficult transition someday. Life sure is one hell of a ride.

What happens when you blog about your divorce.

When you decide to open up about your divorce online, be prepared for what you may learn about yourself and others. 

1) You find out that everyone has an opinion.

It’s amazing to receive Facebook messages from people who never have any contact with you outside of Facebook, but who suddenly know how to fix your marriage. The internet has been a blessing for our family while living overseas, allowing us to keep close relationships with people even though we live on the other side of the world. But, the internet has also become a place where people feel emboldened to pass judgement without any fear of having to look someone in the eye while doing it. 

People don’t just want to know you’re getting a divorce. They want to know why, and whose fault it was. I know I did. And for me, it boiled down to a fear of it happening in my own marriage. If I could diagnose what went wrong with someone else’s relationship, I could make sure it didn’t happen to mine.

2) You lose some friends.

When people decide that the fault in the divorce lies squarely on your shoulders, some of them will decide that they can’t be friends with you anymore. Mutual friends are put in a particularly rough spot. They may try to be supportive to both of you, but in hearing each of your stories, they inevitably feel compelled to take a side. You’ll start to feel the cold shoulder. You’ll get messages of support, while your spouse gets messages of pity. And underlying those messages is the opinion that your spouse is the victim and you are the perpetrator. 

“I think our first response to pain - our or someone else’s - is to self-protect. We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something blame. Or sometimes we shield ourselves by turning to judgement or by immediately going into fix-it mode.” - Brene Brown “The Gifts of Imperfection”

Some of your friends won’t be able to understand your reasons. They’ll want justification for what you’re doing. And because you won’t be able to satisfy their questions, you’ll feel the friendship starting to wither. It will be disheartening. You’ll feel shamed, and lonely, and abandoned. In simple terms, it will suck.

3) You find out that some friends were even better friends than you first realized.

Here’s the silver lining in regards to friendships: even as you feel some friends turning away, you’ll feel some of your friends pull even closer. I have friends who I felt I was close to, but who, since reading my blog, have gone above and beyond in offering their love and support. The good friends haven’t judged and haven’t offered advice. They aren’t there to fix, or to help, the situation. What they are is present. 

The good friends practice compassion. They suffer with me, holding my hand as I wade through something difficult. They don’t make me feel as though I’m somehow less than them, or that my situation reflects an inherent fault in who I am. They continue to make me feel as though we are equals. They recognize our shared humanity, and by doing so, remind me that I’m not really on my own. 

4) You regret putting the blog post out there.

In some ways, my life would have been a lot easier had I never written about my divorce on my blog. I would have shed far fewer tears over the course of the last week, and I would have preserved my “good standing” with many friends and acquaintances. I would have kept some blog readers, too, one of which informed me that she no longer admired the life I was creating and would be unsubscribing from the blog. By writing that post, I made myself vulnerable. I laid myself out there, and thus, welcomed both support and criticism. And believe me, I received a fair amount of both. 

5) But then you remember that some woman out there needs to know she’s not alone.

This is not the first time that I have chosen vulnerability over comfort and safety. I would like to say that I’m chock full of courage, but really, I am open and honest because I don’t quite know any other way to be. When I write posts about my struggles with post-partum depression, low self-esteem, the difficulties of parenthood, or divorce, I’m writing to the woman (or man) out there who feels the same way that I do but is too scared to tell anyone. 

Underlying each of those struggles are the same inherent desires. I want to feel valued. I want to feel capable. I want to feel worthy of being loved. And I would venture to guess that most people want those same things. Do I know the secret formula for feeling valued and loved all the time? Of course not! Yet, I think the work we do - the journey we take - is ultimately more important than the answer itself. 

If laying my struggles out for all the world to see makes someone else feel less alone, or helps them along in their own journey, the blog post is worth it.

when the only choice you can make is the one that hurts the most.

Photo credit: Taylor Loy

"What matters is how quickly you do what your soul directs." — Rumi "The Essential Rumi"

Once something is brought into your consciousness, you can’t really make it go away. As Brene Brown says, “Once you see something, you can’t un-see it.” I try to live my life in a way that is intentional and mindful, always attempting (and it’s an attempt, at best) to avoid harmful speech, actions, and thoughts towards myself and/or others. This has been the focus of my blog, my parenting, my zazen practice, and most of my experiences day-to-day. So, you can imagine how surprised, distraught, saddened, and scared I was when I realized that despite what always seemed my best efforts, I had been blind to the fact that in order to live more mindfully, I was going to have to put myself first and even hurt those closest to me: my husband and children.

A few weeks ago, I asked my husband for a divorce. I have my reasons, obviously, and one of the hardest parts of this decision-making process has been to honor my feelings and intuition, even though they may not seem rational, or reasonable, to those around me. To hear that I’m asking for a divorce has been shocking to some of my friends and family. It most certainly has been shocking to my husband. And yet, as shocking as it is, it feels like the only choice I have.

So, I now find myself wrestling with the knowledge that in being true to myself, I’m causing a lot of pain and sadness for people I love. I’m capable of getting rid of their pain, and yet, it’s the one thing I cannot bring myself to do. For a wife and mother who has always put her husband and children ahead of herself, this has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done: sitting with the shock, the sadness, the hurt, and the confusion of those around me without doing anything to fix it. 

I'm starting to understand that mindfulness, compassion, and kindness aren't always about keeping others from feeling pain. While I was trying to be a mindful wife and mother, I was ignoring some of my own intrinsic needs and truths. In the last couple of months, I have learned that there is a fine line between being compassionate and kind towards others, and making sure you take care of your own needs. If I had been more honest with myself, and my husband, about what I wanted from my relationship, I might have saved my marriage. Or, I might have asked for a divorce even earlier. But instead, I pushed a lot of uneasiness, and longing, and resentment below the surface and led my husband to think that everything was fine. Admittedly, I convinced myself it was fine too. I now realize that I was being mindful of what everyone needed except me.  

I’ve heard a saying that the only way out, is through. And the only thing getting me through this is the profound sense that I’m doing exactly what the Universe wants me to do. If I didn’t wholeheartedly believe that, I never would have considered putting my husband and children through this. So, coupled with the pain, and guilt, of what I’m inflicting on people I love, I’m also comforted and strengthened by the knowledge that I’m following the path that has been laid out for me. It’s true: once you know something, you can’t un-know it. 

In the next few months, I’ll be writing my way through my divorce. I’ll write about moving away from Japan earlier than I expected; about moving back to my home state of Tennessee. I’ll write about the transition from homeschooling my children, to sending them off to a public magnet school. There will be posts about why I felt like I needed a divorce (while obviously trying to be respectful of my husband, my children, and his family), and what the entire divorce process entails. You’ll no doubt see posts about both the good days, and the difficult ones. And all the while, I’ll be trying to live a mindful, compassionate, loving, and honest life - not only for those I love, but for myself, too.

"Whatever life you lead you must put your soul in it--to make any sort of success in it; and from the moment you do that it ceases to be romance, I assure you: it becomes grim reality! And you can't always please yourself; you must sometimes please other people. That, I admit, you're very ready to do; but there's another thing that's still more important--you must often displease others. You must always be ready for that--you must never shrink from it." — Henry James (The Portrait of a Lady)