The hardest part of parenting is having good behavior.

I'm not talking about good behavior from my children.

I'm talking about good behavior from myself.

Parenting is HARD. (I'm sure I've said that about 7 billion times on this blog.) And as of late, I know I haven't been doing the best job. That's the thing about being an intentional parent - it's something you constantly have to give your awareness to - and if you're not careful, it's easy to slip back into old ways of being and doing. The last couple of weeks, I have felt my reactions becoming stronger and less controlled. I have noticed myself becoming a reactionary parent instead of an intentional parent. And it's time to reign it back in.

Last night my eldest daughter said that things "weren't fair," and that we "never do anything fun," just before tucking her in the bed. I had heard those same words uttered [what seemed like] a gazillion times that day and this time was the one to break the camel's back. I launched into a lecture - using my very-frustrated-mom-voice - and I was towering over my children as they lay on their beds. I went on and on about all the fun things we do during the day, threatened to do absolutely nothing fun tomorrow to "show them" how not-fun the day the could be, and warned them of how frustrating they were making their mother feel.

Like an out-of-body experience, I watched myself saying these things, and I felt all the anger and frustration boiling inside me, as my children looked at me with expressions of fear and hurt. I absolutely hate these moments. The moments where I see myself spinning out of control - saying or doing things that I don't want to - and becoming exactly the type of parent that I try so hard to avoid.  It's easy to blow up. It's easy to yell, hit, spank, scream, send-away, or retreat. But in these moments, it's not my children whose behavior needs to be fixed. It's my own. 

As my oldest daughter hid under her covers and started crying, I had a chance to model the behavior I wanted - for both my children, and myself. And while humility has never been my strong suit, my daughters needed it from me. In that space of both frustration and hurt feelings, was a chance to connect with them in a real and meaningful way.

So what did I do?

I apologized.

I said I was sorry for saying all those mean and hurtful things. I said sorry for the tone of voice that I used.

I was honest.

I told my daughter that the reason I felt frustrated was because it hurt my feelings to hear her complain about her days. I opened up to her about my desire to be a good mother - that I felt like I was doing my best - and it made me feel uncomfortable and insecure to have her say otherwise.

I asked for her help in fixing the situation.

I asked if there was something bigger bothering her. I asked why she felt the way she did, and if she had any ideas about how we could make her feel better. We talked a bit about how she hasn't had much control about what she does during the day - she often feels like she's being ordered around - and so we came up with a plan to have a "meeting" soon where we could discuss the things she'd like to do, and how she would like the day to go.

I was willing to hear her. 

Whether or not I agree with her, or think that all her ideas are feasible, is not important. What is important is that she feels valued and heard. By being present and listening - really listening - to her, we connected, felt better, and left space for new possibilities to emerge.

When our children are having an experience that we feel is uncalled for, handled incorrectly, or full of bad choices (a.k.a "bad behavior"), we need to take a step back and question what is being triggered in ourselves. My daughter is allowed to feel frustration, boredom, and unhappiness. But instead of giving her the space to experience those emotions and work through them, I took them personally and found my own feelings of inadequacy, and my need to be validated, bubbling to the surface. And in turn, I took it out on her. 

This. This is why parenting is so difficult. Because the true work of parenthood is that we only ask of our children that which we are willing to embody ourselves.

So many times, however, we demand much more from them.

she cut her hair, and i lost it (or, how to transform regretful behavior and teach your kids a bigger lesson).

I had left the scissors on my bathroom counter as I went to the kitchen to call the beauty shop. I had offered to trim my eldest's hair, but she decided she wanted to go to the shop instead. I called and got an appointment, and as I hung up the phone, my four-year-old was standing in front of me with hair in her hands. I was immediately filled with dread. As she looked up at me, I noticed she had cut the side of her hair... the back... and the top.... and instead of staying calm, and using all the knowledge I've gleaned from the parenting books I've read, I might have overreacted.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something to the effect of... 

"What did you do?! You cut off all your beautiful curls! Your hair looks terrible now! Why would you do that?! Uggggh! I can't believe you would do that! You know better! You look awful! Oh, I am just so mad right now that I could spank you! (I didn't.) Go to your room until I calm down!"

It's hard to even type all of that. It was an epic parenting failure. She ran to her room and slammed the door, crying. When I walked back to my bathroom, there was (what seemed like) a giant pile of hair on the counter. This only made me mad all over again, and I walked into her bedroom, and basically said the same things a second time. When I left her room, she slammed the door again, locked it, and proceeded to throw herself on her bed, crying loudly. 

About 2.5 seconds later, I regretted what I had said. The parent I want to be would not have overreacted like that. She would not have yelled, would not have placed so much emphasis on something that will grow back, and most certainly would not have equated hair with beauty or value. However, instead of making myself suffer in regret, I realized that I was also being handed a perfect opportunity to parent consciously and authentically. I could keep my pride and "teach her a lesson," or I could humbly admit I was wrong, ask for forgiveness, and teach her a lesson in compassion, love, and connection. I chose the latter.

Before I approached her again, I gave her a few more minutes to calm down. She emerged from her room, carrying a yellow piece of paper and asked to talk to me. We sat on my bed and she showed me the "sorry letter" she'd written. There was a sad, crying face on the top and scribbling underneath where she had "written" her apology. She cried as she read it to me, and I could hardly keep from crying myself. 

I told her that she had nothing to be sorry for. I had left out the scissors without telling her not to touch them. I told her that I had behaved badly, and had said many rude and hurtful things to her. I took her head in my hands and told her that she looked just as beautiful as ever because her hair was not important - her hair would grow back - and that she was an amazing, beautiful kid who I loved simply for being born into this life with me. Tears filled her eyes, and mine, as she said, "That means so much to me, Mom. Thank you. I love you."

The moments leading up to that "I love you," were not my some of my proudest. If I had it to do over again, I would have reacted in a completely different way. However, my imperfect reaction opened the door for me to become a little bit more like the parent - no, the person - I aspire to be. 

We will always do things we regret. We're human. But we don't have to live in that regret. Our regret can be the light that shines on our opportunity to make a different choice, to become more authentic, and to teach our kids a lesson much more important than, "Don't touch the scissors." 

How to be a WINNER (the alternative to discipline)

I've been writing about Dr. Shefali Tsabary's book, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will, which introduces a dramatically new concept for most parents: we don't have to discipline our children.

We've talked about the fact that discipline might not be working, what discipline is and what we believe it is for, and that many of us experience parental tantrums that we excuse as discipline. All of that is great, and I believe it's necessary to read through all those sections of the book to really get an understanding of why discipline might not be the solution we think it is. But, I know that many of you are asking, "Well if I don't discipline, what do I do?" And this final post in the series will help answer that question.

"We need to connect with our children instead of imagining we constantly need to correct them. All children yearn for connection - not correction. They want nothing more than to feel loved for who they truly are in their authentic self. Not being appreciated for who they are is the root of all negative behavior, psychological problems, and social dysfunction, including criminality." - Dr. Shefali Tsabary

In order to have "better" kids, we need to be better parents. And to be better parents, we need to be better people. We need to be WINNER's.

The acronym "WINNER" stands for:

W - witness
I - investigate
N - neutrality
N - negotiate
E - empathize
R  - resolve

There is not a perfect solution for every disruptive behavior, but there is a better way of reacting to the disruption. Dr. Tsabary's suggestion is a method of mindful-parenting. By becoming more aware of our own reactions to, expectations of, and illusions about our children, we can step out of our own heads and into the present moment. Dr. Tsabary shows us how to observe what is going on, without harsh judgement or reaction. She will show us how to communicate and connect with our children to figure out the underlying reasons for their behavior; how to keep our own emotions from railroading our children with emotional baggage; how to involve our children in being part of the solution, rather than dictating what must happen; how to approach our children with an understanding that they are exactly where they need to be; and how to commit to seeing our children through the tough times so they are better able to handle difficult situations on their own as adults.

Dr. Tsabary even offers more real-life tips on staying calm in the midst of conflict, and ideas for positive reinforcement of the behavior you want to see. I would love to give all of those away, but that wouldn't be fair to Dr. Tsabary and all the hard work she's put into this fabulous book. I have highlighted more pages than I can count, and will be referencing this book for years to come.

If you want to elevate the way you parent, if you want to be conscious in your parenting - and less reactive - you should buy this book. Our children are going to leave a mark on this world - for better or worse - and parenting to the best of our ability is one of the most noble (if not THE most noble) jobs on the planet.

"Our children deserve to be nurtured by parents who are journeying toward wholeness and discovering their worth, for it's from this that their own wholeness and sense of worth will be magnified. This is their right - and our calling in the sacred task of parenting." - Dr. Tsabary

Who is out of control? Your children? Or... you?

*This is the third post in a series on the book Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. 

Whether we are aware of it or not, there is a pervasive idea among parents that most of us have ascribed to at one time or another. The [false] idea is that our children are our possessions. We believe that because we brought them into the world, they are ours. We are therefore allowed to dictate their lives (up to a certain age). With a desire to teach our children, we justify coercion, manipulation and even physical punishment.

"Generations the world over have subscribed to an approach of parenting which states that, by reason of age and experience, the parent is at the top of the pyramid and the child by default at the bottom. The idea is that children should fit into the parent's world, not the other way around. [...] The root of the dysfunction we experience as individuals, nations, and a world lies in the believe that people need to be controlled - a belief that no matter the culture or part of the world we come from, pervades our parenting. The need to dominate is what discipline is all about...."

According to Dr. Tsabary, much of what we call "discipline" is really just a parental temper tantrum in disguise. We believe that our children are a reflection of our own value and worth, and it is this belief that often drives our need to control.

Have you ever taken your child to a store, only to have them throw an epic tantrum in the middle of the outing? If you are like me, you probably felt your blood pressure rise as you noticed everyone's eyes on you. I just knew that everyone was judging my parenting, questioning whether or not I was handling the situation correctly. I can remember (more than once) grabbing my child's arm and squeezing it tightly to try and enforce the behavior I wanted. Another time, I got in my child's face, and talking through gritted teeth, I told her exactly what would happen (probably a spanking or the loss of a loved toy/activity) if she didn't quit her behavior. I needed to be in control. I was uncomfortable.

I can think of no other situation in which I can control so much of someone's life. My children are almost-6 and 4-year-old, and if I wanted to, I could control what they eat, when they eat, what they wear, when they sleep, what they watch, what they play with, when they go outside the house, and what friends they can see. This ability to control can become addictive.

I didn't always see it this way, but I can now see that many of the times I felt the need to discipline my children were a direct result of my control being challenged. In essence, I was having a bit of temper tantrum because I wasn't getting my way.

"No, you can't wear those clothes because they don't match."

"Eat the food I cooked for you, or you're not going to have anything to eat."

"Stop crying right this minute, or you'll be in BIG trouble."

"UGH! I said 'stop running around the house!' You kids are making me SO ANGRY!"

And even though we may say we're "teaching" our children - that we're disciplining them - in reality, we're not teaching them much more than how to have another tantrum. This becomes clear when you hear your child speaking to their sibling in a terrible way, and realize that they're talking exactly the same way you often do.

So my challenge to you is to step back when you feel your blood pressure rising. Are you about to have a tantrum? Is this situation something you need to exert control over? Or a situation in which you can practice better self-control? 

What is discipline? And is it really necessary?

*This is the second post in a series on the book Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. You can find the first post HERE.

I would wager than most parents, when asked, “What is discipline?” would answer something like, “Teaching my child right from wrong,” or “Correcting my child’s behavior.” When parents talk about discipline, most parents are talking about the strategies they use in controlling or manipulating their child’s behavior. And I would also wager that most parents don’t think twice about it.

The word, “discipline,” comes from the Latin word “disciplina,” which means “teaching.” This Latin word referred to education and training, self-control and determination, knowledge in a specific field of study, and/or an orderly way of life. If you Google the definition of the word “discipline,” you’ll see many definitions that refer to self-control, and teaching oneself a desired behavior (think of monastic life as a good example). But for the last few years, discipline has looked very little like "self"-control in my house. 

My children aren’t teaching themselves how to behave. I have to teach them. It’s my job - and dare I say, my right - as their parent. I have yelled at my children, threatened them, used time-outs, and taken away beloved toys and activities. I have done all these things when I was convinced it was the right thing to do, and when I had no idea what else might work. This idea that we must scare or punish our children to teach them correct behavior has become a fundamental feature of being a “good parent.” And I bought into it without question.

But is it true?

Dr. Tsabary argues no.

“When we engage with our children from the belief that child discipline is a vital aspect of our role as parent, we assume children are inherently undisciplined and need to be civilized. Without every really thinking it through, we’ve bought into the belief that without discipline, children run wild. We interpret all their misbehavior through this lens.”

Maybe we’re giving our kids too little credit. Dr. Tsabary believes that using discipline is detrimental to the very behavior parents are so desperately trying to teach. And she also knows that suggesting this to any parent will most likely follow with the question, “But how will my children learn if I don’t discipline them?”

If you have children, think about how you usually discipline your child when they are having bad behavior. I can think of many situations - maybe the girls were fighting over a toy, said something mean, or acted disrespectfully towards me or their father - and the result was often something being taken away (maybe iPad or computer time the following day) or maybe they were sent to their room for time-out. From my point of view, this was to teach them that their behavior was wrong, and that they shouldn’t have that kind of behavior anymore. But Dr. Tsabary argues that this type of discipline and real teaching are worlds apart.

“To illustrate this, think back to how you felt when you were sent to your room, your favorite television program was turned off, you were grounded so you couldn’t see your friends, your phone was taken from you, you were yelled at or you were spanked. Did you feel good? Did it become natural for you to do what it [the discipline] intended to teach you? No, what you learned is, ‘My parents are the boss, so don’t piss them off.’ You likely also learned that your parents treat other adults, work associates, and maybe even pets with more respect than you.”

I can't tell you how often I hear myself speaking to my children, and realize that they are the ONLY people in the world who I talk to that way.... If I were to talk that way to a friend, they probably wouldn't be my friend much longer. If I were to talk that way to my spouse, we'd have some serious marital problems beginning to develop. If I'm honest (and I think many parents feel this way), I feel a sense of power over my children that allows me to talk to them however I please because they really have no option but to take it. These are the moments when I have to remind myself that I don't own my children. They are not my possessions. ....I've just been given guardianship over them for a while.

A rebuttal I often hear to any argument against harsh discipline is that “parents aren’t supposed to be their children’s friends,” and “if it works, then what is wrong with doing it?” 

But here’s the thing: I don’t want to be my child’s friend, but I do want to be their ally. I want them to genuinely know that I want the best for them - that I want to help them succeed. (We could get into a whole other can o’ worms by discussing what “success” really means, but I’ll save that for another day.) I don’t want my children to fear me, because in really difficult situations down the road, I want my children to feel comfortable coming to me for help. I want them to have good behavior, but I want them to choose it because they see the benefits of it emotionally, spiritually, and relationally - not because it’s what they need to do to keep out of trouble. I want us to be a team that works together to figure out the right way forward - even in the most simplistic 5-year-old situations - rather than a mother and daughter who are always at odds with each other for control. 

“Though they may comply with our demands because we force them to do so, internally they develop a resistance not only to what we are asking of them, but even more so to us as the messenger. Their resistance, or at best half-heartedness, intensifies the parent’s need to control, as the parent bears down on the child, believing the stricter they are the more the child with comply. It’s this resistance that becomes emotional plaque, creating barriers to learning, growth, and - most of all - connection between the parent and child.”

So here’s what I want you to consider: If you feel like there are many times where you are at odds with your child - if you ever feel as though there is a power struggle going on between the two of you - do you feel as though it’s absolutely necessary in order to help your child develop into a moral, emotionally intelligent, successful adult? And if there’s a smidgen of doubt, would you be open to a different way of doing things? A way that lessens the tension on both of you? 

My next posts will talk more about our addiction to control, our reactions to our children, and what other tools we have available to teach our children good behavior. I hope you'll follow along!

i want to stop punishing my children. (part 1 in a series)

Becoming a parent changes you in some of the most profound ways. What I thought I knew about myself has been questioned, reevaluated, and, in some ways, completely changed by having children. 

And being a parent, by the way, is really hard! Just when you think you’ve got things figured out, something changes and you have to figure it all out again. Not to mention, there are plenty of times where you want to change your children’s behavior, and you have no clue how to do it.

One of the resources I’ve found to have been most helpful in my parenting journey is the Zen Parenting Radio podcast. Todd and Cathy Adams always have spectacular advice for parents, and every week, they also interview someone who might be of inspiration to all of us. One week, I listened to an interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children and her newly released book, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will. Before the podcast was over, I had bought and downloaded her second book to my Kindle app.

“Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn’t Work, and What Will” is a game-changer. 

I see so many parents who react to their children, and I’m guilty of it too. You know the feeling… that moment when you’ve been trying to stay calm, but your children’s bickering, or whining, or yelling has reached the tipping point and you snap at them without even having thought through what to say or how to handle the situation. 

I’ve seen parents who yell at their children for yelling at them. I’ve seen parents who spank their children while telling them not to hit another child. And I’ve seen parents who degrade their children in front of others to shame them into having good behavior. I’m not just pointing the finger at all of you. I’ve done these things as well.

But aren’t we striving for something better than that? All of us do these things in name of raising well-behaved children. But much of the time, we do these things because we don’t know what else to do. Or we don’t want to be judged by our children’s behavior. Or, maybe, we just want to be in control. 

At the heart of the matter is the simple desire for our children to grow up and be responsible, respectful, kind, compassionate, and emotionally intelligent adults. Unfortunately, many of the ways we react to our children don’t model these virtues. 

Being a parent is not about controlling our children. It’s about controlling ourselves. Being a parent requires us to be aware of our own failures, insecurities, and short-falls so that we can stop reacting to our children, and start making more mindful choices about how to navigate difficult or uncomfortable situations. I thought being a parent meant teaching my children how to behave… but in actuality, being a parent means that I finally have to learn how to behave myself. 

In the next post in this series, I’ll be discussing Dr. Tsabary’s argument that our beliefs about discipline are wrong. And I’ll also discuss what her book can offer in place of traditional discipline models. 


What do you think about the idea that “discipline” might not be working?