Why am I using Facebook? (and why I'm quitting the "30 Days of Thankfulness")

Photo source: here

A couple of nights ago, I logged onto Facebook to see a post by one of my friends titled, "Day 1" and which proceeded to detail something in her life that she was thankful for. And all of a sudden, I was reminded about the "30 Days of Thankfulness" phenomenon that pops up all over Facebook during the month of November. If you're not familiar, it's quite a simple concept: list something each day that you're thankful for, for the entire duration of November. And juuuust in case you're not familiar with why it's done in November, it's the month that families in the US celebrate our Thanksgiving holiday.

When I saw my friend's post, I noticed a lot of different emotions that popped up in me. Shame, being a particularly interesting one. I had completely forgotten to be thankful! What kind of a person was I that I couldn't remember to be thankful during November? (Silly, right? But true, nonetheless.) So before the first day of November was over, I deliberated over what I was going to write as my item for Day 1. I finally came up with something that I felt was good enough (<-- notice this) and went to bed. Day 2 came around and I again tried to think of something I was thankful for. There are the obvious ones - family, friends, job, etc. - and I went with one of those because, honestly, I was feeling very sentimental about family that morning. My thankful post came from a place of sincerity and honesty and I said something in that post that I wish I could remember to be thankful for every day. 

Then, this afternoon, I saw another friend post something about the "30 Days of Thankfulness," but who had a completely different take on it. She complained about how, only two days in, she was becoming terribly annoyed by the whole thing. And soooo many people commented, saying that they were nauseated by it all. And the whole conversation really got me thinking....

Why am I using Facebook? 

Of course, living in Japan means that I use Facebook to keep up with a LOT of people that I wouldn't see otherwise. I like to see snippets of what's going on in my friends' and family's lives. Yes, I could call, but differing time zones and weak internet signals make it hard to connect. 

I also use Facebook to keep those same family and friends updated on myself, my husband, and our children.  For grandparents in particular, they enjoy seeing pictures of the girls, and reading little stories about them on my Facebook statuses. 

I find out information from Facebook - news events and articles - that I probably wouldn't normally be aware of. 

But, if I'm brutally honest with myself, I'm also using Facebook to craft an image of myself. An image that when praised OR criticized, influences my own personal sense of value. And what's more, it influences the way other people value themselves as well.

I felt shamed by forgetting to be thankful. How utterly ridiculous is that? And by joining the thankful movement, I was proving to the world (and myself, maybe?) that I wasn't going to take things for granted. But... my thankful posts were crafted in a way that wasn't always completely sincere - I noticed myself trying to write something meaningful, and something that everyone else would think was meaningful too. 

Facebook is a great tool to use in this technology-driven day and age. But Facebook should not become an extension of ourselves. What happens on Facebook - "likes" and comments - shouldn't make us doubt our self-worth, or inflate it.

"Researchers have confirmed that the desire to be 'Liked' on Facebook is a universal phenomenon. We all want to feel worthy of love and belonging. In some ways, the 'Likes' we get on Facebook satisfies this need in a distorted way." - Psychology Today

The truth is, we are all worthy regardless of what anyone else says or does. We don't have anything to prove to ourselves or others, because the worth we're trying to prove is a given. We just seem to forget it an awful lot of the time.

So, the best decision for me is to take a step back from the "30 Days of Thankfulness" this year. I'm going to make an effort to be more thankful throughout the entire year - living with a grateful heart - instead of making a case for my gratitude online during the month of November. I don't think everyone else should do the same, but I do think we all should try to be more aware of why we're posting/liking/commenting on things on Facebook (and life in general). When we take time to notice what we're doing, we have the opportunity to evaluate whether or not we are acting from a place of authenticity, or from a desire to be something other than ourselves. Always remember: You are enough.

"When we know we are enough, when we know we are in the perfect place right now, when we seek to add value instead of extract value, when we detach from the outcome, but still try our best, when we allow what wants to emerge to emerge – we step into a kind of flow that cannot be thought out by mankind." - Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

Giving in to Fear

When you have children, "worrying" takes on a whole new meaning. My sister-in-law was lamenting to me the other day that she had no idea how much she'd worry about her newborn baby. They had recently spent a week in the hospital because of a virus and it had made her realize just how drastically different life is after parenthood. She said, "Everyone always says you love your baby more than anything else, but until you have a baby yourself, you just have NO IDEA how true that is." We talked for a few minutes about the realization that we'll never be able to protect our kids from everything - that if you don't make a conscious effort not to, you'll give in to fear.

A parent's greatest fear, of course, is that our beautiful children will be taken from us. But really, if we're not careful, we can live in a mild state of fear every day.

My oldest daughter is 5 and has grown very needy, mopey, and even more emotional than normal. I can look at her the wrong way and she breaks into tears. Her sister can threaten to hit her and she'll shrink back and scream. I, of course, respond in those moments in hopes of immediately influencing her behavior. But lately, I've noticed those moments are plagued with concern. I'm worried that she's going to be a wuss. That she's never going to be confident. That she will never stand up to people being mean or rude to her. That she will never be able to deal with any difficult situations.

I find myself pouring over books and the internet looking for some parenting trick that will solve this particular problem. I start doubting whether or not I should be homeschooling her. I notice myself worrying about her 10 years from now and what kind of teenager she'll be. I feel myself becoming anxious and even more frustrated when the same behavior happens again.

But there is really only one problem in all of this: my own fear. 

The present moment does not require that I solve some perceived problem of the future. I don't need to figure out how to keep her from crying when she's 15. I don't need to figure out how to avoid possible embarrassing situations that she may or may not face in the next month, year, or decade. The present moment simply requires that I stay true to my values as her mother. When I give into fear, I forget that I already know the answer to whatever the moment requires. Usually, it involves love and guidance, a hug, and some reassurance that all is right with the world.

I'm not saying that if you stop giving into fear, parenting will be a breeze. Parenting is hard as hell. And for good reason. But I think that, sometimes, we make it even harder on ourselves.

So when you feel the fear coming on, take a deep breath and remind yourself that the only thing requiring your attention is the present moment you find yourself in. The Buddha said it best:

“The past is already gone, the future is not yet here. There's only one moment for you to live, and that is the present moment.”

Practicing Compassion.

Compassion. It's something I've been working very hard on this week.

Out of nowhere, I had a falling-out with a new friend. I have never been good with conflict. Any possibility of someone being upset or angry with me, has always made my heart start racing and my brain start figuring out how to make everything better. I spend too much time thinking about the situation, I talk about it too much with people (in an effort, I think, to make myself feel better), and I refuse to let the issue die until I feel like it's gotten all worked out.

But is that really the best way to deal with conflict? I don't think so.

I don't want to teach my kids to second-guess themselves, to be afraid of people not liking them, or to think and worry about things that have already happened, or things that might never happen in the future. And the way to do that, I think, might be to teach them compassion.

When you have a conflict with a friend, a spouse, a child, or anyone, really, it doesn't matter who did what. It doesn't matter whose "fault" it was. The fact is, you are human. They are human. And we're all trying to figure out how to live the best life.

Have compassion on yourself.

You are going to make mistakes. You are going to hurt others. You are going to disappoint and anger. Does this make you a bad person? No. Does this make you a human being, just like everyone else? Certainly.

Have compassion on the other(s).

Regardless of whether you intentionally, unintentionally, or truly did anything wrong, another person is suffering because of you. It might be because you DID hurt them, or it might be because they THINK you did. Either way, they are suffering.

Have compassion on them. No amount of suffering feels good. Apologize to them. Apologize for hurting them. Apologize for hurting them when you didn't even realize you were.

Funny enough, I've been reading "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson. And this week, a passage on page 103 was particularly relevant to me.

"Let's say someone has wronged you. You can't change other people, and you can't ask God to change them, either. You can, however, ask to see this situation differently. You can ask for peace. You can ask to have your perceptions changed. The miracle is that, as you release judgement of other people, the pain in your gut begins to subside. The ego might say in that situation that you'll never be at peace until the wrong-doer has changed. But peace isn't determined by circumstances outside us. Peace stems from forgiveness. Pain doesn't stem from the love we're denied by others, but rather from the love that we deny them. In a case like that, it feels as though we're hurt by what someone else did. But what really has occurred is that someone else's closed heart has tempted us to close our own, and it is our own denial of love that hurts us. That's why the miracle is a shift in our own thinking: the willingness to keep our own heart open, regardless of what's going on outside us."

For most of my life, my response to someone else's anger at me, has resulted in anger directed back at them. But anger does nothing for the soul. Anger doesn't help anyone heal faster. Keep your heart open.

Trust that things are exactly as they should be.

Choosing love and compassion over anger isn't easy. It doesn't mean that it will "fix" the situation either. In my particular case this week, it also meant releasing my expectations of what should happen. I couldn't change my friend's perception of me. I couldn't get rid of her anger. I couldn't prevent her from saying hurtful things about me in return. I couldn't protect myself from feeling sad and disappointed with the way things turned out.

But maybe that's exactly the way the universe wants it to be.

I firmly believe that there is an order to the universe. And I also believe that every situation - good and bad - is a teaching moment. My friend is on the path that she needs to be on, and her anger towards me is a part of that. On my side of things, this has been a wonderful opportunity to practice more love. And to continue to learn to "let go" when there is nothing left for me to take responsibility for.

There is a wonderful peace that comes from accepting the reality of the moment, instead of fighting to make it what you'd prefer it to be.

So, that has been my focus this week. Compassion and love. And hopefully, as I continue to practice, my children will learn it as well. I can't protect them from difficult situations, but I can give them tools to use when navigating through them. And really, if I can give my children those tools, I'm giving them to the world as well. 

Sharing Christmas with Far-Away Family

This will be the first Christmas that we won't be spending with any of our family. To say that we're disappointed is an understatement. Initially, I was worried that Christmas wouldn't feel quite as special this year but our kids are at an age this year where they're finally understanding the magic of the season. Our own Christmas morning will be fantastic, but we also want our family to feel included if at all possible. Here is how we are trying to bring our family to us.

We bought an HDMI cable so that our TV can be turned into a giant webcam. 

We Skype on our computers all the time, but our kids constantly compete for the camera (they love to watch themselves on the screen) and our youngest likes to push buttons on the laptop. On Christmas morning, I don't want to worry about the kids each getting a turn or my laptop taking a beating. With an HDMI cable, we can tuck my laptop away somewhere while we run Skype on the big screen of the TV and a separate webcam can be put anywhere for the best angle (and to be kept away from little hands).

We are taking full advantage of Skype capabilities. 

Skype is amazing. All of our family uses it and we've got 4 different family members that are wanting to Skype at some point on Christmas morning. We have considered setting up more than one computer so that several family members can have views all over the living room and can Skype at the same time. But there are also other options. I checked into Skype Premium yesterday and while I don't think we're ready to pay a monthly subscription, Skype does offer a single-day pass for $4.99. This would give us the option of Skyping with more than one family member on the same computer, at the same time. We could view more than one Skype call on our TV without having to set up multiple computers. Our living room is going to be a mess on Christmas morning and the thought of having random computers set up throughout the room doesn't make me feel very cheery.

I'm going to make an effort to get pictures and video to family as soon as I can that day. 

As a child, I remember waking up on Christmas morning and waiting in my room until everything was ready for my sisters and I to run into the living room and see all the presents from Santa. I would hear my dad fumbling around with the video camera, my mom turning on the Christmas music and both of them excitedly trying to hurry back to us. Now, it's my turn. I'm going to get the video camera set up at the perfect angle to capture the girls' faces when they see their gifts from Santa - even if grandparents are watching from the TV too. It may be a little inconvenient to try and take pictures throughout the morning, but I want our family to feel involved in our little girls' lives. If that means I'm blinding my children with the flash and making a giant "to-do" list with all the emails I need to send and blog posts to write, then so be it. Our family means to the world to us, even if we are worlds apart.

I hope that you all have a great Christmas and enjoying the sharing the holiday with your family, whether in person or through a screen. Merry Christmas!!

What do you see?

Photo taken by Brian Clark / Courtesy of The Virginian-Pilot

When the USS Oak Hill came back into port here in Virginia, the coveted "first-kiss" that is raffled off to sailors and families was between two female sailors. It was the first kiss of its kind since the abolition of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." As you can guess, the event is causing quite a stir.

What do you see when you look at the above picture? A lot of people see an "abomination." They see two women being sexual. They see a degradation of American values and morals. I, however, don't see any of that.

I see two people who love and care about each other the same way that I love and care about my own partner.  


I've read a lot of comments about this picture, this issue... and many of them are so hateful that it makes me ill. And it makes me feel even more determined to raise my children to value the happiness of others.

So many people get hung up on genitalia (no pun intended!). My love for my husband is built on a lot more than our ability to have sex. I love WHO HE IS. I love his soul, his character, his personality. The icing on the cake is that I find him physically attractive too. Whether or not someone is born gay is beside the point. It's where their life is at this moment and they deserve to be as happy as I am. Religious doctrine, moral opinion and personal convictions should not have any affect on your compassion, respect and goodwill towards others.

My children are growing up with parents who teach them that they can love whoever they want. Whether my girls want to marry a man, marry a woman, marry a man with more than one wife, or not marry at all, the only thing I will advocate is that they do what they feel is right for them and whatever brings them happiness. And most importantly, I am teaching them that when people make choices that are different than their own, that doesn't change one iota of their responsibility to show compassion, respect and love for others.

"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." - the Dalai Lama

Gift Ideas for Kids

For the first time in my life, I have gotten all of my Christmas shopping done before December 1st. I'm not really sure how I managed this, but I think part of it has to do with the fact that I had a limit on the number of items each of my children (and husband) would get. I also keep a running list of gift ideas for Christmas and birthdays on WishPot that I add to throughout the year. It's important to me to be deliberate and thoughtful about what I surround my children with and what I bring into my home. I want my children to have toys that are timeless and that cultivate their creativity, imagination and ability to play with other kids.  If you are still needing some gift ideas for your own children, check out what I got for my kids, as well as some other gifts that any kid would love.

Gifts for my 3.5-year-old

Dr. Drill and Fill

Okay, this was definitely not my first choice, but my daughter has talked about "dentist pwaydough stuff" for weeks. I think it will be a huge mess and she'll probably fight over it with her sister, but... I am a big proponent of encouraging kids to do arts and crafts. Using her hands to draw, paint and sculpt is not only great for the development of her motor skills, but it's a great way for her to be creative and use her imagination.

Art supplies make great gifts. If you have an older child, consider making an art caddy that is loaded and ready for them to grab whenever the creative urge strikes. Include things like classic crayons (or beeswax crayons if you're looking for a more natural alternative), blank paper, colored pencils, finger=paints, stamps, stencils, etc.

Just Like Home Coffee Maker

Some of the best toys to promote imaginative play are play kitchens, play food and accessories. Both boys and girls like to imitate real-life and these types of toys offer hours of play. My girls already have a play kitchen that their grandparents got them a couple of years ago and there are always things to add to it. Thing 1 found a coffee maker at Toys R Us that she would really like to have so that she can "make toffee like Dad!"  I will probably always prefer wooden toys over plastic, but wooden coffee makers just don't quite look like the real thing. This one sounds like it's brewing coffee and has a red light come on in the bottom that makes it look hot. I'm sure my husband and I will be served a lot of coffee in the next few months.

Imaginarium Wooden Block Set

Our girls already have a small set of Plan Toys wooden blocks, but when both of them are playing with blocks, there just don't seem to be enough. So, we got Thing 1 another larger set to add to the existing small one. Wooden blocks have been around for YEARS and are a classic toy because they are open-ended. Blocks don't have to be played with one way. They can be buildings, houses, towers, castles, instruments, people, buses, food... you get the idea. Kids of all ages like to play with them and if you get a good set, you can probably keep it for your grandchildren. 

Gifts for my 2-year old



Going with the kitchen theme, we got our 2-year old some more play food that I'm sure both of the girls will love. All of these were purchased at Michael's at 80% off on Thanksgiving Day (woo!) and though we already own some plastic play food, I thought it would be nice to upgrade to some wooden and felt food. This food is more life-like and larger than the small plastic pieces. Plus, the cookie and fruit sets allow the girls to actually slice and cut pieces, just like they see Mom and Dad doing in the kitchen.


Other Great Gifts

  

Figurines. My youngest got the Rapunzel set for her 2nd birthday and there has not been a day go by that both of the kids don't play with them. One of their grandparents is getting them a couple more sets for Christmas and I'm sure they're going to be a hit. They role play with these and spend a lot of time creating their own stories.

 

"Quiet Time" Toys. My oldest stopped taking naps shortly after she turned two, so we began having "quiet time" during the day. Sometimes she plays computer games, but we also have several Melissa and Doug toys that are great quiet activities. Both of the girls play with them every other day or so. My youngest may not be able to do everything correctly, but she still likes them.

Dress-Up Clothes. The jolly ol' elf is bringing our girls a TON of new dress-up clothes this year as their big gift. I helped Santa hit up a lot of Halloween clearance racks and came out with some good stuff (including that dinosaur, above). My husband wasn't thrilled with this gift idea at first because he thought I wanted to fill their room with dresses, high heels and jewelry. However, most of the costumes I got were career costumes or animals (horse, dinosaur, bumblebee). Costumes thrill kids of all ages and there are an endless amount of hours to be spent imagining and pretending.

Of course, there are thousands of other toys out there that kids will love. It's hard to narrow it down to a few presents at Christmas! Just pay attention to what toys seem to keep your kids' interest day after day.

It's easy to stress out about getting your kids everything they want or getting the "perfect" gift. But kids are kids. They will enjoy Christmas no matter what you get them. As my husband said, let's save the stress for the teenage years when our kids will probably want something worth hundreds of dollars that all their friends are getting too. Yeah... I think I'll enjoy the ease of shopping for my 2- and 3-year-olds.

Want, Need, Wear, Read

Last year, when I was preparing for the Christmas season, I stumbled upon some excellent gift-giving advice on one of my favorite blogs, Simple Mom. (You can read another great post about this same topic, here.) These days, the toy catalogs make up half of the Thanksgiving newspaper and the amount of toy and junk-food commercials that are squeezed in-between children's television shows is just ridiculous. When Thing 1 started asking for every toy she saw on TV, we decided to get rid of cable.

If you want to teach your children to value more than just material objects, Christmas can be a challenging time for parents. That's why I was really happy to come across a gift-giving philosophy that was practical and easy for us to implement in our family. Not only do we use it at Christmas, but we've started using it for birthdays too. 

Each of our girls gets four - that's right, I said FOUR - main gifts for Christmas and birthdays. These are gifts from their father and I and does not include gifts from their grandparents or other family. We give them:

• something they WANT
• something they NEED
• something to WEAR
• something to READ

We don't strictly follow these categories, but we follow along the want/need/wear/read lines. For example, a friend of mine who practices the same thing got her daughter some hair bows as her "wear." It doesn't HAVE to be clothing. At Christmas, we also choose to give both of the girls a large present - sitting unwrapped - from Santa Claus. This is usually something for both of the girls to share. This year, the jolly old elf is bringing them a lot of new dress-up clothes. We also throw a few little goodies in their stockings from the old guy.

And while they still receive presents from their other family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.), we are blessed to have family that appreciate some input from us about what we'd prefer the girls to have. We are a military family and have to move around a lot. The last thing I want is for my house to become filled with lots of plastic toys that my children have grown tired of. I use a great website, Wishpot, to add things to wish-lists throughout the year and I send the list to our family when they ask for Christmas ideas. I also make it a point to go through our toys and books BEFORE Christmas each year (with the girls' help) and donate things that aren't being used anymore. It helps us make room for all the new things that will be coming into the house.

I'm not sure that we'll always be strict about the four-present rule. The other post I suggested you read (at the top of this page) was from a family that did add some other categories to their gift-giving rule and as our kids get older, I imagine this might be the case. Besides getting a handle on how many gifts we dole out each year, we also plan on involving our girls in charitable work throughout the year once they are old enough to help (3- and 2-year-olds don't tend to be the greatest laborers at charity events). Whatever your "reason for the season," I think most parents hope that their children grow up to appreciate the Christmas season for more than just presents under the tree. 

What are some other ways you're teaching simplicity and minimalism to your children?