And I'm not talking about your toddler.
My youngest daughter is going to be two years old in November. The "terrific twos" (as I like to call them) started shortly after she turned 1 year old. Yep, my girl is an overachiever. There are plenty of times when her temper comes out and she gets so upset that you'd have thought I ran over her puppy - and then backed over it again. But as bad as her tantrums can be, mine can be worse.
How in the heck is a person supposed to keep their cool when their kid is throwing the 28,000th tantrum of the day? It's a good thing I'm not a spanker, because, at that point, my kid probably wouldn't be able to sit for a while. I've read a lot of things about different ways of disciplining, stopping, and redirecting her tantrums, but nothing seems to work well and talking about those would be a whole other post in itself. So, on the days where the tantrums are on the verge of making me run to my car and speed away, here is what I try to do to keep myself sane.
1. Take a time-out.
My oldest daughter always looks at me with pity when I've gotten in trouble with myself and get put in time-out. But sometimes, I just have to leave. When I feel like I'm about to burst, the best for thing for me to do is just to run from the situation instead of trying to change it. Whether it's going outside, into the garage, or into my master bathroom, I go somewhere far away from my kids. For me, it's important to go literally as far away as I can because my children are not strangers to following me and even banging on the door if they know I'm on the other side of it. Parents give their children time-outs all the time to try and give them an opportunity to cool off and quite frankly, there are many times when parents need to cool off too. Taking just a few minutes to calm down and get my emotions under control makes it much easier to help my children when they aren't capable of controlling themselves.
2. Quit ANY negative self-talk.
There are many times when in addition to my emotions getting out of control, my mind gets out of control as well. I get mad at myself for getting so mad, I think of a thousand ways that I'm lacking as a parent, I criticize myself for letting my child get me so worked up. I know, I know. It's hard to keep from turning the situation into an evaluation of your parenting skills, but the truth is, EVERYONE has tantrums. Children have had tantrums since the beginning of time and if you are the parent that has figured out how to prevent a tantrum from ever happening again, you deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Seriously. Tantrums are just going to happen and the only conclusion you should draw about yourself is that you gave birth to totally normal kids. It's incredibly hard for me to turn off that negative self-talk, but if I can do it, it makes it much more possible for me respond to my children and whatever situation they're in with more compassion - not only for them, but for me as well.
3. Remember the reason for the tantrum in the first place.
The real reason kids have tantrums isn't because they didn't get ice-cream for dinner. It's because something happened in their life that they didn't like and instead of just saying, "Man, that sucked," they simply don't know how to control their disappointment (or anger). There is not a single day that goes by that I don't have some moment that made me unhappy. Whether it's feeling like I don't have a good shirt to wear or I found out I got fired from a job, there are always things that make me feel sad or resentful. But unlike a child, I can (usually) keep myself from sobbing and flopping around on the floor. Kids just don't have the same control. Little annoyances for us are end-of-the-world disappointments for them. TRY to remember that there's not a single person on Earth that you can keep happy 100% of the time and your child is no different.
I had the perfect opportunity to listen to my own advice when today, Thing 2 threw the tantrum to beat all tantrums. I don't even remember what exactly set her off - I think maybe I didn't pick her up - and she started SCREAMING and crying. She pulled on my leg, said "Please!" over and over, and then started pushing my leg and hitting me in frustration. She literally turned purple because she was crying so hard. One of my friends was at the house. Did Thing 2 cry at her? No. Did she cry at her daddy? No. Just me. At first, I felt like a horrible parent because I was trying my hardest not to give in to her crying. Nothing was wrong with her. She was just mad. And I certainly don't want to teach her that the way to get what you want is to scream and cry. Then, once the horrible-mother feeling passed, I started getting annoyed. I walked away from her when she started hitting me, but she just followed. I was about to go grab the 12-pack of beer from my refrigerator when my husband said, "Go lock yourself in our bedroom." I walked to my room with Thing 2 screaming and running behind me, closed the door, and read a magazine that I'd just gotten in the mail. She probably cried another 5-10 minutes before giving it up and just separating myself from her made all the difference in the world - for me.
It's SO easy to get aggravated and frustrated when your child is screaming at you and hitting you. Some days, I feel like I can't even go to the bathroom without her freaking out. And when you have several days in a row like that, it's hard not to get worn down. Now, like I mentioned earlier, how to discipline or change your child's behavior is a completely different post, but the only way to begin to parent in those situations is to make sure that you're in control when your kid obviously isn't. More than anything, parenting is an opportunity to make yourself a better person. Afterall, your kids will always let you know what you could do better....
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
To School, Or Not to School?
That is the question.
We're moving to a new area at the end of the month. My oldest child will be 3 and it's about that time when a lot of parents are putting their kids' names on waiting lists at the best preschools. Before having children, I never doubted that I would just put my kids on the public school path like most other parents. As I've gotten older (and paid more attention), I've become worried about a lot of things in the public school system. I've seen documentaries like "Waiting for Superman" and I've developed a desire to have some influence over what my children are exposed to in their education. If I don't put my kids in public school, what are my other options? I definitely don't feel capable enough to attempt home-school and I'm not exactly sure that it would be in the best interest of my children anyway. I also don't know if I feel good about paying a large amount of money for my children to attend an exclusive private school. If you are (or have been) in the same boat, where do we go from here? Let's start by examining what we want - or don't want - for our kids' education. The following points are my own personal thoughts and I am in no way advocating that everyone should feel the same way.
1. I don't want all the emphasis to be put on scores.
My mom is a kindergarten teacher and I have several friends that teach kids in elementary school and middle school. I have heard them complain more and more often about the pressure put on them to have all of their children make a certain score on the school's standardized tests. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important for schools to use such tests to make sure that their children are progressing. But what has me worried is the increasing emphasis on scores and the decreasing emphasis on fostering a love of learning in children. In my mom's school, for instance, the order came down to cut back on recess, arts and crafts, and circle time for kindergartners so that there could be more instructional time with kids are their desks. I'm just not sure I like the idea of my oldest child going into that kind of environment for her very first year of school.
2. I want my child to love learning.
My own personal belief is that individuals learn best when they WANT to learn. I want learning to be fun for my children and I want them to understand that learning helps them understand the world around them a little bit better. I do not necessarily think that the best way to foster a love for learning is by sitting a child at a desk and talking to them/at them and giving them workbooks to do. [I do not mean to generalize this idea to every classroom. I am, however, paying homage to my own education in a rural school system.]
3. I want some of my child's own interests to lead their learning.
While watching the morning news a couple of days ago, we were interrupted by a special broadcast of the Shuttle Endeavor launching for the last time. I quickly called in Thing 1 to watch it with us. She was really intrigued and when the launch was over, she expressed some interest in looking up some things about shuttles and astronauts online. We hopped on my computer and spent closet to 45 minutes looking at pictures of space shuttles, rockets and astronauts. Her interest quickly turned to the planet earth, all the planets, and even the solar system. She was quickly able to learn 3-4 of the planets' names and since then, has asked me on more than one occasion to look at all those things again. It's SO easy for her to learn something new when she is interested in it and excited about it. Traditional schools simply aren't able to individualize each child's education, meaning that, in somewhat extreme terms, some children are forced to learn things. That, in my mind, could easily lead to boredom and even apathy towards learning.
4. I want a lot of the world integrated into my children's education - not just the basics.
Believe me, I understand the importance of learning the basics - reading, writing, math, science, etc. However, I also think it's a good thing to teach children about nature, other cultures, food, other languages, philosophy, and life skills. Traditional schools have no extra room for all these other subjects on their own but lucky for me, it can be easy to incorporate several of these with the basics, collaboratively teaching them at the same time. I'm horrible at math. I always have been. So, I definitely want my children to learn the basic concepts of the pillars of a traditional education. But I also want them to learn where those basic fit into the larger world around them.
There are probably a lot more smaller, nit-picky things I could add to my list, but right now, these are the major ideas shaping my concept of my children's perfect education. Now, I just have to figure out the best way to deliver that education. I've got to start checking into preschools in my area (both public and private), exploring various teaching methods (including, much to my husband's chagrin, homeschooling), and deciding if I think my oldest is ready to begin formal school. Oh, the possibilities....
We're moving to a new area at the end of the month. My oldest child will be 3 and it's about that time when a lot of parents are putting their kids' names on waiting lists at the best preschools. Before having children, I never doubted that I would just put my kids on the public school path like most other parents. As I've gotten older (and paid more attention), I've become worried about a lot of things in the public school system. I've seen documentaries like "Waiting for Superman" and I've developed a desire to have some influence over what my children are exposed to in their education. If I don't put my kids in public school, what are my other options? I definitely don't feel capable enough to attempt home-school and I'm not exactly sure that it would be in the best interest of my children anyway. I also don't know if I feel good about paying a large amount of money for my children to attend an exclusive private school. If you are (or have been) in the same boat, where do we go from here? Let's start by examining what we want - or don't want - for our kids' education. The following points are my own personal thoughts and I am in no way advocating that everyone should feel the same way.
1. I don't want all the emphasis to be put on scores.
My mom is a kindergarten teacher and I have several friends that teach kids in elementary school and middle school. I have heard them complain more and more often about the pressure put on them to have all of their children make a certain score on the school's standardized tests. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important for schools to use such tests to make sure that their children are progressing. But what has me worried is the increasing emphasis on scores and the decreasing emphasis on fostering a love of learning in children. In my mom's school, for instance, the order came down to cut back on recess, arts and crafts, and circle time for kindergartners so that there could be more instructional time with kids are their desks. I'm just not sure I like the idea of my oldest child going into that kind of environment for her very first year of school.
2. I want my child to love learning.
My own personal belief is that individuals learn best when they WANT to learn. I want learning to be fun for my children and I want them to understand that learning helps them understand the world around them a little bit better. I do not necessarily think that the best way to foster a love for learning is by sitting a child at a desk and talking to them/at them and giving them workbooks to do. [I do not mean to generalize this idea to every classroom. I am, however, paying homage to my own education in a rural school system.]
3. I want some of my child's own interests to lead their learning.
While watching the morning news a couple of days ago, we were interrupted by a special broadcast of the Shuttle Endeavor launching for the last time. I quickly called in Thing 1 to watch it with us. She was really intrigued and when the launch was over, she expressed some interest in looking up some things about shuttles and astronauts online. We hopped on my computer and spent closet to 45 minutes looking at pictures of space shuttles, rockets and astronauts. Her interest quickly turned to the planet earth, all the planets, and even the solar system. She was quickly able to learn 3-4 of the planets' names and since then, has asked me on more than one occasion to look at all those things again. It's SO easy for her to learn something new when she is interested in it and excited about it. Traditional schools simply aren't able to individualize each child's education, meaning that, in somewhat extreme terms, some children are forced to learn things. That, in my mind, could easily lead to boredom and even apathy towards learning.
4. I want a lot of the world integrated into my children's education - not just the basics.
Believe me, I understand the importance of learning the basics - reading, writing, math, science, etc. However, I also think it's a good thing to teach children about nature, other cultures, food, other languages, philosophy, and life skills. Traditional schools have no extra room for all these other subjects on their own but lucky for me, it can be easy to incorporate several of these with the basics, collaboratively teaching them at the same time. I'm horrible at math. I always have been. So, I definitely want my children to learn the basic concepts of the pillars of a traditional education. But I also want them to learn where those basic fit into the larger world around them.
There are probably a lot more smaller, nit-picky things I could add to my list, but right now, these are the major ideas shaping my concept of my children's perfect education. Now, I just have to figure out the best way to deliver that education. I've got to start checking into preschools in my area (both public and private), exploring various teaching methods (including, much to my husband's chagrin, homeschooling), and deciding if I think my oldest is ready to begin formal school. Oh, the possibilities....
Friday, May 13, 2011
Why the blog?
I always knew I wanted to have children, but it never really crossed my mind that I would become a stay-at-home mother. Since I can remember, I have planned on having a career. All of that changed, however, when I had two beautiful daughters. After the birth of my second daughter, my husband only had about a year and a half left in medical school before we'd be moving for his residency. Staying at home just seemed like the best thing for our family.
I've always been a perfectionist, so naturally, I thought I was going to be the best stay-at-home mom possible. THAT, however, has been my downfall. I am NOT a very good stay-at-home mom. I know for a fact that I'm a fantastic mother, but being a stay-at-home mom is an occupation - and one that I wasn't initially cut out for. I'm one of those people that LOVES to be in school. After college, I got accepted to a Ph.D. program and thankfully, (it wasn't a great program) used my first pregnancy to get out and get into a Masters program, finishing my degree a month after having my second baby. I just love learning and it never occurred to me that it might be somewhat of a shock to stay at home with kids after being in school for 20 years.
So... here I am. I don't do crafts with my kids every day. I don't always cook them healthy meals. I don't play all day with them. And I definitely have the TV a lot in our home. All those things are things I THINK I'd like to change. Since my husband is only going to be guaranteed one year at his next job location, we don't know if we'll be staying or moving and I feel like it's more trouble than it's worth to try and find a job to further my career. It looks like "SAHM" might permanently be on my business card at some point. At this season in my life, being at home with my kids is my job and I want to treat it like one. If you're reading this and feel the same way, tag along as I try to figure out what the heck I'm doing and pass along my successes and failures to all of you. And please, chime in when you can.
I've always been a perfectionist, so naturally, I thought I was going to be the best stay-at-home mom possible. THAT, however, has been my downfall. I am NOT a very good stay-at-home mom. I know for a fact that I'm a fantastic mother, but being a stay-at-home mom is an occupation - and one that I wasn't initially cut out for. I'm one of those people that LOVES to be in school. After college, I got accepted to a Ph.D. program and thankfully, (it wasn't a great program) used my first pregnancy to get out and get into a Masters program, finishing my degree a month after having my second baby. I just love learning and it never occurred to me that it might be somewhat of a shock to stay at home with kids after being in school for 20 years.
So... here I am. I don't do crafts with my kids every day. I don't always cook them healthy meals. I don't play all day with them. And I definitely have the TV a lot in our home. All those things are things I THINK I'd like to change. Since my husband is only going to be guaranteed one year at his next job location, we don't know if we'll be staying or moving and I feel like it's more trouble than it's worth to try and find a job to further my career. It looks like "SAHM" might permanently be on my business card at some point. At this season in my life, being at home with my kids is my job and I want to treat it like one. If you're reading this and feel the same way, tag along as I try to figure out what the heck I'm doing and pass along my successes and failures to all of you. And please, chime in when you can.
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